However, being open about your sexual needs with your partner is a sign of a healthy relationship, and communication is a part of sex. It’s also normal in any relationship to find that you need to have this conversation. Problems with sex and intimacy are probably more common than you think.
If you want to have this conversation, here are some things to consider so that both you and your partner can be comfortable discussing this issue.
While the temptation might be to have this conversation as soon as possible, it’s best to think about when the right time is and where the right place might be to talk about this.
Try and pick a time when you know there will be few distractions, and avoid trying to talk about it right before bed. It’s not a good idea to discuss these problems before you’re about to have sex or after you’ve just had sex.
Where to have the conversation
It’s better to keep conversations about sex out of the bedroom or any other place where you are normally intimate with your partner. Try to think of somewhere neutral where you can talk about this.
Consider going for a walk to somewhere quiet where you can talk privately, or sit down in a room other than the bedroom. Try to make sure there won’t be any other people around because it can bring the conversation to a halt if someone else is there to hear what you’re saying.
How to start the conversation
Once you’ve decided to discuss this with your partner, it’s a good idea to think about how you’ll approach it.
Try not to spring the conversation on your partner, because they could be thrown off if they’re not expecting it. Instead, you could tell them that you’d like to talk about your sexual intimacy and ways to make it better for both of you, and suggest a time, such as “tomorrow after work.” That way they know what to expect, and they’ll be prepared to talk about it. This might make them nervous, so reassure them that it’s nothing bad, you’ve just been thinking about ways to make things better.
Instead of jumping straight into what you feel is wrong, try to tell them what it is you like about your sexual relationship, and ask them what they like about it. For example, you could tell them that you love being close to them when you’re intimate together.
The conversation is not likely to go anywhere if you try to blame the other person for these problems. Acknowledge that you’re both in this together, and you can find a solution together.
In any difficult conversation, it can be helpful to use ‘I’ statements instead of ‘you’ statements to avoid making the other person feel like they are being blamed. For example, instead of saying “you never seem to care about what I want to do,” you could instead say “I would like it if we could try doing some of the things I like when we have sex.”
Try to really listen to what your partner is saying when they respond to what you’ve told them. It can be easy to get carried away in your head, especially if you feel that this is a difficult or uncomfortable conversation for you. This is a two-way street, and they may have some issues that they would like to bring up with you, so it’s important to be open and to pay attention.
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