Erectile Dysfunction: How to talk to your partner about their performance in bed

Many men think of erectile dysfunction as a personal problem. But ED doesn’t just impact people who have it—it affects their partners, too.

Researchers on sexual health and intimacy have long encouraged practitioners to involve partners in conversations about ED—even asking them to come into the office for the first conversation about it. The individual with ED may reveal an aspect of the underlying cause that they’ve downplayed or withheld altogether.

Starting the conversation in a medical context may also help underscore that ED has underlying causes, removing any potential blame and emphasizing that no one is at fault for erectile problems. That’s vital since sexual performance anxiety—the fear or concern that you won’t meet your partner’s expectations during sex—is all too real.

If you’ve noticed erectile issues, here are some strategies to approach the subject.

The emotional tone you set when approaching your partner about their potential ED is important.

Don’t ever make your partner feel cornered. Tell your partner that you love making love with them, but you just don’t get enough of them, and you’d like to prolong intercourse.

Above all, your partner has to know this is important to you when starting this discussion. No matter who is broaching the subject, a couple of things might help, including:

It is possible that your partner will feel embarrassed and get defensive. How you approach your partner may help, but it’s a conversation that many people seek to avoid.

If your partner claims they don’t have a problem when you know something is wrong, use research or educational materials as a gentle way to guide the conversation.

If your partner says they’re ‘normal’ and it’s your problem, show them some written material and ask them if it describes the two of you together.